Comments
From English 194 Wiki Site
Hardly anyone believes in the idea of a solitary genius, you say? You obviously have not seen me work. But seriously, it is a little presumptuous. I know what you mean I think; surely the great artists of the past have been influenced by their significant, or maybe less than significant, others, but to what extent they were influenced has got to vary dramatically from momentous to, well, insignificant.
What does the 'inner complexity of the male/female relationship' mean? it seems the real concern is the bridge between the outer and inner, and the clear distinction between the male and the female. This sentence seems to be show a basic confusion regarding what gray area it is you are trying to clear up.
It seems kind of like you are too concerned with analysis at the beginning of the essay and not enough at the end. I would have liked to see more biographical, straight-forward informative, facts at the beginning about how they got together, maybe even some fun things just to give me a feel for their relationship. Then at the end you could focus totally on the analysis.
Good research and incorporation of how each one influenced the other artistically.
There are too many sentences of medium length. I lean too much on short sentences in my writing, I think you might lean too heavily on long ones. I think, and I rarely think this, but your essay has real potential for entertainment value that isn’t being cashed in on. This is an essay that should be in a magazine, not for a class. Also, many of the longer sentences make more than one point and it becomes a little tedious to follow. I usually prefer making the reader work more than less in these situations but given the style and subject of your essay, I think a quicker pace and lighter tone would be more effective.
You mention the social circles that Krasner was, and was not, a part of, but there is little else about the negative influence of societal standards and expectations on her. More broadly, you don't talk about national sentiments toward women during the time period or what the traditional roles for working women were, in relation to their husbands. Much of this has really become common knowledge I think, but just some little notes here and there to situate their relationship within the bigger 'traditional' relationship of the time would give the specifics of their union a more definitive focus.
As a general note, I think your thesis is fascinating. The problem is that it seems to require a more in-depth, probably first-hand, experience of how the relationship alters the creativity or at least the creative output. It seems to be one of those ideas you could only make a good guess on after extensive research and really getting a feel for both artists' lives and the magnitude and trajectory of their work over time. Given this difficulty, I think you found some surprisingly relevant and elucidating quotes, especially the one from Krasner herself, which you may have wanted to analyze with at least another sentence or two, even though that might diminish the very personal and quick effect it has.
The ending is weak. I think that by mentioning all the other types of relationships at the end, you are actually diminishing from what is already an incredibly important one, namely, the Pollack/Krasner relationship. When you mention the other types of couple relationship at the end it really broadens the focus of the concept in a negative way. There may be a tendency to be politically correct or to really drive home how big an issue this is, but I think you should stick to the specifics here. If you do so, the reader will have no choice but to feel the importance of the topic, because it is extremely important. An image that comes to my mind is this: If you open the window of their home just a crack, all the readers will be able to hear what goes on in the house. You don't need to remind the reader they are sitting in a whole gated community of houses with closed windows.
Plus, the last sentence is boring. It is like you left the soda cap off and now the whole drink is a little flat.
Overall: provocative subject, good logical structure, varied diction, relevant research, strong individual sentences. Like you said in class, adding images of their paintings would really let the reader get a fuller grasp of the relationship. My main advice is to be more confident and really sell the beauty and importance of their work within your own. Cheasy professor final note: Nice Job!
P.S. Book titles need to be underlined. I will do that when I figure out how.
Alex Barkett 09:25, 16 May 2006 (PDT)
